(As seen on Seekerville)
My husband and I have
been in marital counseling recently. We have a cross-cultural relationship, which is why
my latest book features an Islamic heroine with Lebanese roots. It's
great for fiction fodder, not so great for smooth-sailing romance.
Our latest counselor
recommended we read a book called Getting the Love You Want. And
boy was it an eye-opener. Talk about demystifying the romance
process. The author breaks down those wonderful tingles, shivers, and
ecstatic emotions in a very scientific, and not very flattering, sort
of way. To summarize: romance is the process of picking someone who
will trigger your worst emotional issues and wound you more deeply
than anyone else could. And the more earth-shattering the romance,
the more doomed it is for failure.
Ouch!
I resemble that remark.
When
I first read this book I joked that romance authors should stay far
away from it. But as I have begun to see the fruits of this book in
my own marriage, I'm starting to think the opposite is true. Every
romance author—certainly every responsible Christian romance
author—should probably read this book.
Let
me give you a quick summary of how this all works to pique your
interest. You know that “man of your dreams,” that person who you
meet and feel like, “I've known him all my life.” That guy who
“completes you.” In other words, the one who stirs up those
feelings of “falling in love.” In reality that person just
happens to fit a construct in your subconscious called your “imago”
or image. And that image is created early in life through an odd
combination of familiarity, emotional wounds, and unfulfilled
desires. (You have to read the book to thoroughly understand this
part and why it happens.)
But
let me give you an example. A woman's mother is cold and distant.
(This isn't me by the way.) All of her life she longs for her mother
to be more loving with her. Enter appropriately handsome man who is
cold and distant. He feels familiar to the woman. And in a sort of
serendipitous moment, she strikes some familiar chord with him as
well. The physical attraction is mutual and romance buds. In the
early stage of the relationship the woman feels fulfilled because she
has found a cold, distant person and magically created a warm, loving
relationship with him. In that way, a sort of healing takes place
inside of her, and she feels complete. Now without dragging this out
too long, assume some similar but different phenomena is happening
with the man.
Sadly,
a few years down the road, the initial chemical spark wears off and
the woman is left with a cold, distant husband who triggers all of
her worst childhood wounds and fears. We've all heard a thousand
times that the trait that initially attracts you to your spouse later
drives you crazy. And the man is probably experiencing something
similar as well. If this couple doesn't have a deep belief in vows
and commitments, they will probably split within the first five years
of marriage. If they do have those strong core values, they might
tough it out ten, twenty, even twenty-five years until the kids grow
up. But at some point if they don't get serious help, they won't be
able to survive the relationship any longer. At best (or worst
depending on your perspective), they might stay married but live
separate lives.
However...this
same potential for intense pain can be turned around and become an
avenue for intense healing. If the couple learns to communicate
properly, and even counsel one another, they can begin to heal
together. If they can learn to meet one another's hidden needs and
soothe one another's wounds, they will develop a deep and abiding
love that lasts for the rest of their lives. A God kind of love.
In this way,
marriage becomes a symbol for the ultimate romance between us and our
savior. It is a conduit for unconditional love, reconciliation,
healing, and fulfillment.
Perhaps
this is why I so often find myself writing stories of couples who
wounded each other terribly during adolescence. With the help of the
Holy Spirit, they come back together as adults and help each other
heal, ultimately falling back in love. A love that is destined to
last because it has endured adversity. The truest kind of love of
all.
I
know romance is fun. I know hot, sexy hunks who sweep women off their
feet are exciting. Everyone loves tingles and shivers and passionate
kisses. But in real life when a feisty heroine and domineering hero
overcome their mutual stubbornness because of their intense sexual
chemistry, they probably aren't headed toward happily-ever-after.
Without some serious intervention, they are more likely doomed for
disaster. It is the friendship relationship that gently blossoms into
romance and results in a logical decision to join two lives that has
the much higher success rate in marriage. Even arranged marriages
fare much better.
I
hate to be a kill joy. I'm not trying to rob you of your fun. And I'm
not trying to make romance ugly by putting it under the scientific
microscope. I just think as we start this new year, it's important to
know the ins and outs of this subject we're writing about. Then we
can write in a way that will draw people deeper into the great love
story that drives the whole world.
All
that being said, structurally my newest novel is more women's fiction
than romance. But let me assure you that it in fact contains three
romances: tingles, shivers, and all. So think of it as a three-in-one
romance collection with a sisterhood frame story. How's that sound?
If you give it a try, I think you will enjoy seeing how I use romance
to develop deep healing and a true Godly kind of love.
